


nostalgia

by shitfuck edgelord (dragonflame3333)



Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-26 23:17:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9928334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dragonflame3333/pseuds/shitfuck%20edgelord
Summary: he's been here before.it's odd to see your own reflection echoing back at you over and over again.(a drabble with no aim in particular set re:140.)





	

**Author's Note:**

> i 100% wrote this at 5am without proofreading or editing.

when he sees the bleached white walls of the lab, kaneki's mind blanks for a second--  
becomes blank as those walls and the space where his name should have been, 240, 240, ha-i-se.

for just one moment, he is haise again, taking his daily medicine, struggling to keep the bile and the memories from surging up his throat once more. sasaki haise, he would tell himself; i am first class investigator sasaki haise, mentor of the quinx, protege and tentative successor of arima kishou, the ccg's god of death.

and then he is kaneki once more, but a different kaneki, one black-haired but going white at the roots, chained to a chair. its that smell again, of old blood and fresh blood and vomit and unwashed flesh, but above all, that chemical. that poison. it nauseates, drowning him; his eyeballs twitch, punctured cruelly by thoughtless cyanide. he writhes in his seat like a child at the theater. mama, i dont like this movie, mama its too loud mama i want to leave mother, oh mother make it stop, make it stopmakeitstopmakeitpleasepleasepleasesavemesavememakeitST O P

and then he is both and neither, jelloed hair once more white as snow, in a nostalgic position. 645 times, he says, and kaneki believes him. (he wishes he had. no one would blame him for falling at the hands of god himself.) he cuts, deeper, deeper, deeper, and he wonders, dimly, if this feels like hurt or like home.

(the answer is both. he has never stopped hurting, never known anything else. rather than hurt others, become the one to be hurt.)

(you were my father and my teacher.)

and then he is himself, and all of the above, and none of the above. he's never quite felt welcome in his body, but then again, he's not always welcomed his body either. an esophagus burnt from excess acid, a mess of food scattered about. a blade twisted against iron skin, a kidney thought to be wicked. too skinny, too weak, too easily bullied. all loss in this world is caused by your own lack of power. curse your own weakness.

when they find the suppressant, he really does throw up--dirtying these pristine walls with blood and bile. (so does takizawa, though, so he feels a modicum better.) ayato blanches, clearly disgusted, but soon they have more pressing matters to worry about.

he's here. it's been so long. kaneki wonders if he would even remember him, wonders at what he's been through, wonders at how alike they are now--same story, but in reverse. it's funny, kaneki thinks, but he could be considered my other half. and it's true--he is big, bulky, buff. masculine. kaneki is small and slender, more 'maman' than papa. amon koutarou is justice; he is controlled, desire contained. kaneki ken is revolution; he is freedom, ideals unbound.

the glass shatters. a monster emerges and kaneki can see his own reflection in those many eyes.

(a lab. a desire to feed, to rampage, to frenzy. amidst it all, a challenger appears.)

('i guess you're nothing more than a ghoul after all.')

the thing which had once been the ccg's justice screams, armor rippling as muscle once did.

"i can't just ignore him."

"they're all waiting for you. your desires cannot be your own."

(and how unlikely that is, to see young ayato lecture him on the importance of others.)

and so, with the hopes of a would-be nation riding on his back, kaneki takes his leave, but not without his sovereign command: bring amon back alive.

(he would like to believe justice is on his side.)

**Author's Note:**

> this wasnt even supposed to be amoneki but guess what it ended up being,,, i have... too many kaneki ships


End file.
